My first night on Cisordinol, when I thought there was a chance of passing away. Trial by stone, as it were. The entire treatment worked very well long-term, but the first night, I was very nervous.

Here is the original writing which accompanied the art. I'm just going to leave it as is. Note this was before I truly recovered, so some of it may no longer apply, nor make sense. I made an edit to exclude someone who almost killed me, and to include lycium, who was in my original version anyway.

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I've taken my first dose of Cisordinol, and thankfully Kronos and Hades are listening to my prayers. My fractal machine is back up and running. So I have a gift for everyone. New Series: Quiet Thoughts of Kronos. New Keystone Work: The Path to Petrograd Is The Way Through. I wrote this and had a fractal marathon while waiting for the medication. I was given 5mg at 1am in the morning. Another 5mg will follow at 2am, pending no life-threatening side effects occur.

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Sadly, tonight, my Risperdal has been cut off. It's the weekend, so there's covering help. My only option for a substitute medication is a much more dangerous one. I'm not willing to experience a relapse so I'm taking the new one tonight. It could be much more dangerous to still have active serum levels of Risperdal in my system. So I'll do a little research to make sure. Or I might just go to sleep. I dunno. I seem to be more free than I think.

It's in the nurses' hands if something goes wrong though, which is unfair to them as it's the doctor's mishandling of the situation causing this stress.

I do trust the nurses though. I hope it goes well.

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This may be my last "regular" night as "normal Kat" but I hope somehow the gods are playing some huge joke on me.

Cheers. I miss everyone. I'll update throughout the night. My neck is tensing up so I hope I'll be alright.

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There's no one really to grant my computer and art to, so what I really want to do is have established a foundation and fund via the UN Human Rights Council. Some sort of support structure for:

- neurologically different (or "disabled") artists who experience hardship financially or legally. Especially in times of media war or any other war.

- practicing nature shamans who choose sobriety, fight the formations of new Silk Roads, and wish to keep their beliefs and practices intact, without sacrificing them to the mental marathon we have to run, just to catch up to where we were before we changed meds.
- And of course expats and multicultural multidisciplinary artists who might need funding to do what they need to do.

It's impossible enough if you don't have a patron and I made the mistake of choosing a really bad one when I was a late teenager/early tween.

So there should be something to help pioneers in art, tech, sound, etc any combo of these, especially those of Slavic + Asian descent.

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Trustees

Should the following people be willing to do so, I elect any willing people in trust and keeping of my art and rendering any worthwhile fractal I have created, in memory. So u guise get my collection if I become handicapped or anything. This is only an emergency measure in case I do not survive the night (or remain intact) and anyone can opt out. I don't expect a lot of people to read this, so. And I'm isolated from most of my past, due to the divisive nature of modern media destroying the lives of artists and creators, and sectioning off our communities.

I'm sorry for everything.

Anyway.

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Managers:

Skye and Desiree - my soul sisters and fellow fire dancers, be safe, I love you. Dez, you inspired my name Feder through your warlike wisdom of Witcher. Skye, you and yours encouraged me to embrace Polish shamanism and Slavic mythos.

Patricia Donahue - experienced artist and gallery manager, who gave me a chance time and again despite my crippling social anxiety

Including the following healthcare: with my unending thanks for being there for me in tough times, so any may step up if they wish.

Eleftheria Tsavoussis - for keeping me alive and sane despite my crazy family trying to do me in. Being willing to work with multiple diagnoses.

Corrine Verhoeven - for working with me and being the most reasonable doctor ever on this side of the Atlantic. I hope you're okay and thank you for everything

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Continuing the support list

Henk

Michelle

Mark, CVTB, thank you for saving my life against the wear and tear of time and again

Kees, CVTB, also thank you for saving my life

Tim Vogels, wherever he may be, may you continue to burn your shadow, and thank you for chasing me to Europe and making sure I grew back my feathers every time I burned them off. Times are tough, war wrecks everyone, whatever, just stay out of trouble. Miss you Marduk.

Mannon, you earned your stripes from others giving you far too many. Please heal up and come back to us in one piece if you can.

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Fractal artists:

wrighter
Rych
Crystalize
Toistaja
tatasz
Zy0rg
ChaosFissure
OutsideFate
lycium

With my thanks as soul siblings and primary formative mentors and collaborators, even if times now are still a bit sour.

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I expressly forbid Leonard Fedukowski or Angelita Fedukowski or any Fedukowski, Pearson or Preisig, or Malis from having any say or profit from my work. Lenny bullies everyone so I need to really stay away. They may not reference me as having benefited from them as primarily they were destructive to my development as an artist and individual. They are a primary reason why I accepted a lifelong series of forced institutionalizations to begin with, as my father often called "hysteria" on me and threw me in hospital as a replacement for not only bad parenting but horrendous abuse.

My mother did what she had to, to keep a roof over her head, food on the table, and her children safe. But in the end she would not stand with me against the police or against harmful medication. She stood in the way of proper diagnostics and psychopharm when I was a teenager which delayed my correct regimen by about 10 years. Only the threat of court order released her hypercatholic convictions preventing me from receiving medication. By that time I had already failed out of sophomore high school year twice. I was signed out of high school for medical reasons and got my GED within 3 months.

I'm sorry everyone for everything. This includes the formative Woburn crew. I can't really explain away my social ignorance, but I can assure you, you were all loved and respected as amazing nerds and influential in your own way, and I never meant to use anyone. Chris I'm sorry we never had time to get to know each other better. I'm sorry I never spent the required time to really learn everything I should have.

Hoping there's some trickster magic left for me tonight still. Or through the weekend, or on Monday.

Yours always in wishes and dreams and wild un-tamable rebellious raven magic,

Kat Salas Federovsky-Vogels
Bird Tribe Shaman